Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
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