how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
