if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
