I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
