he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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