You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Can you bring me the toilet please
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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