I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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