she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
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