drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
