I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Fuck appropriateness.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
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