if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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