yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
