I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
