Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
