I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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