No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
