i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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