She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
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I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
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You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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