apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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