The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
