I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
