Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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