What a fucking waste of an outfit
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
