Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
