i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
We have started to decorate penises.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
