My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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