chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
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