I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
