I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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