there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
