The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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