i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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