so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
