seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
