Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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