god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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