Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
