I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
