there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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