I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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