omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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