if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
