dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
