His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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