I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
