i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
