pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
