Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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