Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
