Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Randomize
