I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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