I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Randomize
