Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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