I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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