New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
my shit smells like andre
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Randomize
