Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Randomize
