The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
