My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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