I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
