Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
