I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
