I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Randomize
