Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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