My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
