What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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